10 days ago I turned twenty. It was a nice, intimate birthday when I celebrated with my elder sister and my closer friends here. It was quite different as it has been five years since the last birthday that I celebrated with my elder sister (she went abroad to study and two years later, I followed her path but we are in different countries). So everything seemed so nice as I could finally celebrate my birthday with family member after two years, although my parents and the other members are in hometown.
Nevertheless, I am forever grateful about what god has planned and given on me, and I would strive to be a better person. :) As I was stepping on the #twenties club, it freaks me a little. It's not about the age or maturity but it's more like I have to be responsible on my own. Well, it's not like I have been relying on others these time but financially, I have been getting numerous support from my family. and with just one more year left till my bachelor degree, I feel like "oh shoot, this life thing is getting real". The thought of having to find a job when I don't really know what I might do later ( well, I kind of have that vision on what job that I would do but would I really like it? can I come to office without having any burden? will I do well in my workplace? would my colleague like me? would they backstab me? would my performance be disappointing ?). So I have been thinking about that sometimes these days (probably because I am interning right now) and it truly scares me. The world outside truly scares me that now I wish I was younger! (okay its getting absurd).
When I thought about my future workplace, all I see is countless sleeps, working my ass off in the office, OT everyday, no more lazy weekends, smaller social circle and no more freedom (14 days off in one year? no more summer holiday/ winter break oemji ). The thoughts that I am going to OT everyday and I would be too tired to hang out during weekends, and that I would stuck in my work life without any friends/partner/families to rely on just haunt me. Many said that we could balance our work life and social life but how about when we were really busy with our job that we even don't have time to hang out? using those weekends staying at the office? or even worst, would I hate my job and work that hard just because I need to survive? or when I finally have my career I lost my social life and without knowing, everyone has build his own families? argh! I need to scroll my Instagram and read those motivational quotes.
I know there are a lot of wonderful things that I could do after graduating but I don't know, it seems I am not mentally ready for the outside world. I know I would always be not ready, the same thing when I studied abroad and it would come along with the process.
I just hope that during the process, I am more ready than when I was 17, and that I would not make any fatal decision and be a more competent and mature person. Bless me, Buddha!